14. Derby County

Whenever anyone mentions Derby I fondly remember my great uncle Erasmus McWibble who lived his entire life in the Darley area of that fair city.  He was a local character, a passionate supporter of the local football team and for a brief period served as the ninth Bishop of Derby.

He claimed he could trace his branch of the family right back to the noted Hamish McWibble who marched south with the Jacobite Rising of 1745.  By an unfortunate turn of events he happened to be drunk in a seedy tavern when the Jacobites decided to return to Scotland and he missed the call.  Hamish was quick of mind and affected an English accent to pass as local.  When questioned about his mass of flame red hair and the kilt he would just dismiss it as a genetic quirk and nothing more was ever said about it.

My great uncle amassed his fortune in the silk industry.  His factory would spin the finest silk and fashion it into garments of every kind.  His silken female undergarments were particularly popular. He put a lot of effort into this line.  His interest in underwear was well known to all in the Derby textile trade.  It is reckoned that every draper and magistrate in Derby had come across him at one time or another.

Upon retirement he invested his money into the creation of public parks and open spaces for the good burghers to enjoy.  The people rejoiced in this and eventually in 1995, after much petitioning,  the City Council erected a statue in his memory.  A small token of the esteem in which he was held.

It is for this reason alone that I hope Derby County thrash whatever team they happen to be playing against tonight.

13. Tranmere Rovers

Whenever anyone mentions Tranmere I always fondly remember my great uncle Fleming McWibble who hailed from Birkenhead and therefore was a passionate supporter of Tranmere Rovers.  He had no time for the so-called 'bigger' teams over the water, Prenton Park was his home.

He used to say that the true scousers were from the Wirral side of the river, Birkenhead being a long-established town from back when it was just fields on the other side. 

He was a body-art enthusiast having the most intricate and complex tattoos covering most of his frame.  He used to exhibit at a travelling circus where people would gape in awe at the designs.  His fame eventually led to a young Morrissey paying him homage as the original 'tattooed boy from Birkenhead'.

It is for this reason alone that I hope Tranmere spank whatever team they happen to play this weekend.

12. Norwich City

Whenever anybody mentions Norwich I fondly remember my great uncle Seamus O'Wibble who emigrated from his native Galway and settled in the Colegate area of the city.  He was an ardent Norwich City supporter and was a regular attendee at their home matches for many years. 

Seamus was a popular character, well connected and pursued many careers whilst striving for his first million. 

In the early Sixties he had the great fortune to meet a young, up and coming musician by the name of Mick Jagger.  Jagger was inspired by my great uncle's business acumen and for a while engaged him as manager and promoter of the Rolling Stones. 

During this period Seamus was living in a squat, over the brush, with his then girlfriend, an unknown hairdresser called Delia Smith. It was the Sixties, they were young and wild. 

It is fair to say that Seamus was not the most organised of men but could think on his feet.  One morning after a heavy night on the Jamesons and Guinness he received a call from a nervous Mick Jagger asking 'where are the designs for the new album thang maan?'.  

Thinking quickly he asked 'Delia, take a photo of that flan you made last week.  Put it on that old bike tyre on the record player and try to make some of them wedding ornaments look like rock stars, I can bullshit this.' 

The rest is history, the album became Let It Bleed, helped propel the Stones into rock history and simultaneously launched a cookery career for his girlfriend.  The last one was no mean feat as she had trouble making instant mash and boiling eggs before that. 

Seamus and Delia later parted ways, she went on to own Norwich City and Seamus settled for a quiet life teaching the locals how to read and write. 

It is for this reason alone that I hope Norwich thrash whatever team they happen to be playing this weekend. 

11. Wolverhampton Wanderers

Whenever anybody mentions Wolverhampton I fondly remember my great uncle Enoch Yamyam von Wibbel, who despite his fame maintained a modest two-bedroom house in Dunstall Hill.  He was a passionate supporter of Wolves and was a regular at their Molineux ground.

He was a pioneer of cycling and established an engineering plant dedicated to the production of cycles.  This in turn inspired others and for a while Wolverhampton was known as the centre of bicycle manufacture.  This made him a very wealthy man indeed and allowed him to indulge his lifelong desire for adventure.

He would explore the West Midlands far and wide.  From Cannock to Telford, Kidderminster to Coventry he would roam.  Whilst on his travels it was rumoured that he discovered the remains of the mythical Wolverhampton Abbey.  He would never publicly confirm this however. 

Whispers abounded that the Abbey concealed the portal to the Hollow Earth.  For weeks he was harangued by reporters from the Wolverhampton Express and Star until one dark night of destiny he managed to give them the slip and make good his escape

He was never seen again.  Legend has it that he entered the portal and made a new life amongst the giants and the Germans that already live there under the glow of the Inner Sun.  It is said that one day he will return to bring back glory to the city, but this tends to only be said by people that have freely partaken of the grape or the grain. 

It is for this reason alone that I hope Wolves spank whatever team they happen to be playing this weekend.