19. Southampton

 Whenever anybody mentions Southampton I always fondly remember my great uncle Guillaume Le Wibblette who lived for many years in the Polygon area of the city.

As you can probably tell by his name, he originated in the Channel Islands so there is a little French influence there.  He always realised that his future lay away from the small islands so set sail for Southampton dock as soon as he was of legal age.

The attraction to Southampton arose not only for the sheer delight he felt when Bobby Stokes slammed in the winner at Wembley against some bang average provincial side (their name escapes me right now) to lift the FA Cup way back in 1976, but also for his disdain for all things French.  He rather liked washing, didn't like garlic, would rather poke himself in the eye with a sharp stick than eat snails and could never really get the hang of their Letters.

Apart from his deep enduring love of Southampton FC his twin passion was entertaining.  He found a home for himself in the theatre.  Although the shiny lights of London beckoned he resisted their obvious allure preferring to remain with what he now considered his home town theatre.  On stage he was a master wit and raconteur providing great joy for thousands.  Later in life as work dried up he could still be found in one of the many inns and taverns that populate the dock area where he would always be happy to do a turn for the old sailors.  It was said that his knowledge of matters French actually came to his aid in this respect but when people say this I have no idea what they mean.

It is for this reason alone that I will be supporting Southampton against whichever team they happen to be playing today.

18. Middlesbrough

 

Whenever anybody mentions Middlesbrough I fondly remember my great uncle Ridley S. Wibble who lived in the Eston area of the city and was an avid supporter of his local team.  He was considered “dead posh him like” by his neighbours but this was more to do with him having electric lighting and carpets in his house than his refined manner and tastes.

 

His middle initial sadly did not stand for Scott but for Smoggie and such was his impact on the local area that the people of Middlesbrough are to this day, proud to be known as ‘Smoggies’.

 

From his earliest days Ridley was an inspiration.  The famous Middlesbrough Transporter Bridge is said to be based on a Meccano model he made as part of a school project.  The great and the good of Teesside were simply blown away by his ingenuity.  They immediately recognised its potential to really put the town on the map.  And to use up the tons of scaffolding poles that were lying around after a minor clerk made an error with a decimal point on an import order.

 

Ridley was a great friend of the late Brian Clough and was the person most responsible for persuading him to take up football management after his playing career was cut short by injury.

 

As a close friend of Chris Rea, it is rumoured that he penned the best-selling “Driving Home for Christmas” song for him.  He gave Mr Rea some sage advice about the video: don’t mention that you come from Middlesbrough as that will destroy the allure for the listener.

 

It is for this reason alone that I hope Middlesbrough spank whatever team they happen to be playing tonight.

17. Brentford

 Whenever anybody mentions Brentford I fondly remember my great uncle Penrose Wibble who 

lived in the area from birth to his unfortunate demise in a bizarre vacuum-cleaning incident.

Penrose lived on the Butts Estate and worked for many years as a ledger clerk at the local Gillette 

works in nearby Iselworth. Whilst his outward appearance was quite dull and unremarkable, he led 

a secret life as a celebrated yet mysterious author. He wrote a series of thriller novels featuring 

Lazlo Woodbine which are widely regarded as masterpieces of the genre. These novels were a great 

success selling in their millions. Sadly his sci-fi ‘Adam Earth’ series was not received so well, in fact 

everyone considered them to be rubbish really.

It was this Adam Earth series that inspired another scion of Brentford, a certain Robert Rankin to put 

biro to exercise book and begin his writing career. He felt he could write better sci-fi. And he did. 

He really did.

Penrose was a regular in the local inns and taverns of Brentford, being well known in each of the 

pubs that stand at all four corners of the Brentford FC stadium. He would occasionally entertain a 

few of his close friends with a secret reading from his latest Lazlo Woodbine novel before a home 

match.

When his favourite pub, The Flying Swan closed, it was at Penrose’s suggestion that the football club 

recreate the Swan in a secret room underneath the Brentford pitch. They even managed to retain 

the services of Neville the part-time barman to preserve its authenticity.

It is for this reason alone I hope that Brentford thrash whatever team they happen to be playing 

tonight.