19. Southampton

 Whenever anybody mentions Southampton I always fondly remember my great uncle Guillaume Le Wibblette who lived for many years in the Polygon area of the city.

As you can probably tell by his name, he originated in the Channel Islands so there is a little French influence there.  He always realised that his future lay away from the small islands so set sail for Southampton dock as soon as he was of legal age.

The attraction to Southampton arose not only for the sheer delight he felt when Bobby Stokes slammed in the winner at Wembley against some bang average provincial side (their name escapes me right now) to lift the FA Cup way back in 1976, but also for his disdain for all things French.  He rather liked washing, didn't like garlic, would rather poke himself in the eye with a sharp stick than eat snails and could never really get the hang of their Letters.

Apart from his deep enduring love of Southampton FC his twin passion was entertaining.  He found a home for himself in the theatre.  Although the shiny lights of London beckoned he resisted their obvious allure preferring to remain with what he now considered his home town theatre.  On stage he was a master wit and raconteur providing great joy for thousands.  Later in life as work dried up he could still be found in one of the many inns and taverns that populate the dock area where he would always be happy to do a turn for the old sailors.  It was said that his knowledge of matters French actually came to his aid in this respect but when people say this I have no idea what they mean.

It is for this reason alone that I will be supporting Southampton against whichever team they happen to be playing today.

18. Middlesbrough

 

Whenever anybody mentions Middlesbrough I fondly remember my great uncle Ridley S. Wibble who lived in the Eston area of the city and was an avid supporter of his local team.  He was considered “dead posh him like” by his neighbours but this was more to do with him having electric lighting and carpets in his house than his refined manner and tastes.

 

His middle initial sadly did not stand for Scott but for Smoggie and such was his impact on the local area that the people of Middlesbrough are to this day, proud to be known as ‘Smoggies’.

 

From his earliest days Ridley was an inspiration.  The famous Middlesbrough Transporter Bridge is said to be based on a Meccano model he made as part of a school project.  The great and the good of Teesside were simply blown away by his ingenuity.  They immediately recognised its potential to really put the town on the map.  And to use up the tons of scaffolding poles that were lying around after a minor clerk made an error with a decimal point on an import order.

 

Ridley was a great friend of the late Brian Clough and was the person most responsible for persuading him to take up football management after his playing career was cut short by injury.

 

As a close friend of Chris Rea, it is rumoured that he penned the best-selling “Driving Home for Christmas” song for him.  He gave Mr Rea some sage advice about the video: don’t mention that you come from Middlesbrough as that will destroy the allure for the listener.

 

It is for this reason alone that I hope Middlesbrough spank whatever team they happen to be playing tonight.

17. Brentford

 Whenever anybody mentions Brentford I fondly remember my great uncle Penrose Wibble who 

lived in the area from birth to his unfortunate demise in a bizarre vacuum-cleaning incident.

Penrose lived on the Butts Estate and worked for many years as a ledger clerk at the local Gillette 

works in nearby Iselworth. Whilst his outward appearance was quite dull and unremarkable, he led 

a secret life as a celebrated yet mysterious author. He wrote a series of thriller novels featuring 

Lazlo Woodbine which are widely regarded as masterpieces of the genre. These novels were a great 

success selling in their millions. Sadly his sci-fi ‘Adam Earth’ series was not received so well, in fact 

everyone considered them to be rubbish really.

It was this Adam Earth series that inspired another scion of Brentford, a certain Robert Rankin to put 

biro to exercise book and begin his writing career. He felt he could write better sci-fi. And he did. 

He really did.

Penrose was a regular in the local inns and taverns of Brentford, being well known in each of the 

pubs that stand at all four corners of the Brentford FC stadium. He would occasionally entertain a 

few of his close friends with a secret reading from his latest Lazlo Woodbine novel before a home 

match.

When his favourite pub, The Flying Swan closed, it was at Penrose’s suggestion that the football club 

recreate the Swan in a secret room underneath the Brentford pitch. They even managed to retain 

the services of Neville the part-time barman to preserve its authenticity.

It is for this reason alone I hope that Brentford thrash whatever team they happen to be playing 

tonight.

16. Granada

Whenever anyone mentions Granada I always fondly remember my great uncle Jose Alvarez Perez de Wibbler.

Think of that picturesque Andalusian city nestled at the foot of the Sierra Nevada mountains.  Consider the beautiful hot-summer Mediterranean climate, think of the long and turbulent history of this now sedate area.  Above all just picture the fabulous Alhambra Palace a marvelous monument and a UNESCO World Heritage site.

None of these things mattered to Jose.  He lived his entire life in Collyhurst, Manchester and worked at Granada TV studios for his entire career.  He once visited the Costa Brava on holiday but never went anywhere near that fantastic city.  

He started out at Granada as a callow youth of 15.  He was an apprentice sweeper-upper and with hard work and dedication eventually experienced all the joys that a TV studio can bring a young man.  He learned the importance of proper lighting, had a stint in the sound department, eventually rising via cameraman and production to Head of Technical Operations.  He even enjoyed several walk-on parts in Coronation Street.  His appearances on screen were a source of excitement for the family where we would carefully watch each episode to see if we could spot him sat in the background at the Rovers Return or perusing the adult magazines in the Corner Shop.

One day I may cobble together clips of his appearances from my old VHS tapes and burn them to a CD or put them on YouTube for a new generation to discover.  But that is all in the future.

For this reason alone I hope Granada thrash whatever team they happen to be playing tonight.

15. AC Milan

 

Whenever anyone mentions Milan I fondly remember my great Uncle Giuseppe Wibblanza who lived his entire life in this world-famous city of culture and fashion.

 

Giuseppe was a well-known and popular character around Milan.  He had a powerful tenor voice with which he would entertain the patrons of whatever bar he was in after his five bottles of vino rosso.  Proprietors were known to hire his services whenever the wanted to close and they had recalcitrant customers.  He was cheaper and strangely more effective than the local Mafioso.

 

He was a regular attendee at the San Siro.  Before each match of his beloved AC Milan he would stand on the terraces and sing Nessun Dorma to inspire the supporters.  This became a cult anthem with the supporters, it became so popular that FIFA adopted it as the theme for the 1994 World Cup.  It was Yaya/Kolo song of its time, Italians everywhere would often spontaneously break out into this song regardless of their club loyalty.

 

As his celebrity grew Beppe would be invited on to TV shows to offer his opinion on the hot topics of the day, he became a TV personality, revered across the nation.

 

A national holiday was declared for the day of his funeral.  People wailed uncontrollably, women rended their garments in anguish.  A statue was placed in Milan cathedral as a permanent honour.

 

It is for this reason alone that I hope AC Milan thrash whatever team they happen to be playing tonight.

14. Derby County

Whenever anyone mentions Derby I fondly remember my great uncle Erasmus McWibble who lived his entire life in the Darley area of that fair city.  He was a local character, a passionate supporter of the local football team and for a brief period served as the ninth Bishop of Derby.

He claimed he could trace his branch of the family right back to the noted Hamish McWibble who marched south with the Jacobite Rising of 1745.  By an unfortunate turn of events he happened to be drunk in a seedy tavern when the Jacobites decided to return to Scotland and he missed the call.  Hamish was quick of mind and affected an English accent to pass as local.  When questioned about his mass of flame red hair and the kilt he would just dismiss it as a genetic quirk and nothing more was ever said about it.

My great uncle amassed his fortune in the silk industry.  His factory would spin the finest silk and fashion it into garments of every kind.  His silken female undergarments were particularly popular. He put a lot of effort into this line.  His interest in underwear was well known to all in the Derby textile trade.  It is reckoned that every draper and magistrate in Derby had come across him at one time or another.

Upon retirement he invested his money into the creation of public parks and open spaces for the good burghers to enjoy.  The people rejoiced in this and eventually in 1995, after much petitioning,  the City Council erected a statue in his memory.  A small token of the esteem in which he was held.

It is for this reason alone that I hope Derby County thrash whatever team they happen to be playing against tonight.

13. Tranmere Rovers

Whenever anyone mentions Tranmere I always fondly remember my great uncle Fleming McWibble who hailed from Birkenhead and therefore was a passionate supporter of Tranmere Rovers.  He had no time for the so-called 'bigger' teams over the water, Prenton Park was his home.

He used to say that the true scousers were from the Wirral side of the river, Birkenhead being a long-established town from back when it was just fields on the other side. 

He was a body-art enthusiast having the most intricate and complex tattoos covering most of his frame.  He used to exhibit at a travelling circus where people would gape in awe at the designs.  His fame eventually led to a young Morrissey paying him homage as the original 'tattooed boy from Birkenhead'.

It is for this reason alone that I hope Tranmere spank whatever team they happen to play this weekend.